Divorce Law Questions

 Posted on February 09, 2021 in Family Law

Geneva divorce attorneysAfter more than 35 years of practicing divorce law, I began to think of the fundamental question that people should be asking themselves and that is: WHAT KIND OF DIVORCE MAKES MOST PEOPLE HAPPY? 

Divorces become, for many people, one of the unhappiest experiences of their lives. For many people, divorce is akin to the death of a love one, the loss of a business or some other catastrophic event that may happen. However, divorce doesn’t need to be that way. We have found that divorce can be made into an experience that ultimately makes people happy. 

How is this done you may ask. Well, first of all you have to take the approach that you are not there to punish the other side; instead you are there to make an honorable deal that will show respect and compassion for your soon to be ex-spouse. Most importantly, you will make a deal and an arrangement whether it is for the future of your children or for your own and your ex-spouse’s future to enable all of you to have good lives.

Unfortunately, most people going through a divorce cannot see the end game.  They focus on the issues that are immediately emotional rather than looking at the big picture.

So what kind of divorces make most people happy? Surprisingly, it is a result that is fair to both sides.

A divorce that unfairly punishes one side and rewards the other will not make anyone happy. The children will not be happy. The “losing” spouse will not be happy, and the “winning” spouse rarely realizes that although in the short-term they may feel good, but oftentimes, in the long run, their moment of joy will be followed by depression.  If the divorce really makes that one person happy and the other miserable then something is fundamentally wrong.         

The goal in your divorce should be to come up with a fair deal. There is no cookie cutter fair deal. What is fair for one person may not be fair for another.

There are some simple rules that you can follow:

1. Most importantly, do the right thing by your children. Ensure that they see both their mother and father. Don’t unreasonably restrict parenting time. Children are wiser than you imagine, and will often carry resentment towards a parent they view as having wronged them, or the other spouse. This resentment can lead to a number of behavioral and social issues that can last a lifetime.

2. Under no circumstances should you talk to your children about the divorce or play out the divorce through them. Leave them out of it! Even adult children should not be made a part of the divorce. They are not your confidant or your best friend - they are your children, with strong emotional ties to both of you. They have feelings independent of those of you or your spouse, so keep them out of the game.

3. Don’t be punitive. Don’t use the divorce as a means of punishment. If you can resolve your divorce on a reasonable basis so that your ex-spouse can live a good life and your children have the opportunity to look up to you for doing the right thing, then that is a divorce that truly makes everyone involved happy. Don’t fight just for the sake of fighting.

4. Be fair. Be honest about your assets and income. The less investigation you and your spouse need to conduct will ultimately lead both parties to achieving a successful post-divorce relationship, particularly where you have children together.

In over the 35 years that we have practiced divorce, we have repeatedly seen never-ending divorces. Even where a judge has granted the parties a divorce, there are too many cases where the hatred is so great that they continue to fight, years and years after the divorce is “finalized.”

Frequently people continue to litigate their own cases by going to court, hiring lawyers and spending more money all for the sake of vindicating themselves or being punitive with their ex-spouse.

A good divorce lawyer will help you avoid future conflict. Sometimes it is not the divorce being won that counts. Rather, it is making a deal that substantially lessens the likelihood of you being back in court or continuing the fight. Frequently couples continue to litigate their case well after their divorce is granted, sometimes even after the children have emancipated, that is when they turn eighteen. None of these things need to happen.

Not everyone can have a divorce that makes everyone happy, but most everyone can avoid a divorce that makes people unhappy. A divorce should be a practical continuing solution to the current and future problems that you and your soon to be ex-spouse will experience.

Let us guide you through the turmoil of a divorce into a peaceful future in which both sides are at peace, both with each other, with their children and with themselves.

 

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