Help! My Ex-Spouse is a Narcissist and Now We Have to Co-Parent

 Posted on March 14, 2022 in Family Law

As anyone who has ever known a narcissist well can attest, setting boundaries and planning daily tasks with someone who is constantly obsessing over their own image and self-importance can be next to impossible. Parenting, which requires empathy, sacrifice, and humility, is particularly difficult with a narcissist as a partner and when you are facing many years of co-parenting with a narcissist, you may feel overwhelmed. Fortunately, others before you have managed this daunting task and come out the other side. Here are some tips for co-parenting with a narcissist. 

Rely on the Courts For Help

Manipulation and coercion often accompany narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a co-parent with NPD may try to test your boundaries just to see how far they can go. When you have a parenting agreement, it takes much of the pressure for setting limits off of your shoulders and places them in the confines of the legally-enforceable parenting plan. Create highly specific details in your parenting plan so there are no areas of doubt in which your co-parent can plead ignorant. 

If your co-parent stops abiding by the terms of the parenting plan, make it immediately clear that you will pursue legal consequences. Do not allow small violations to snowball into bigger ones before you take action. Document instances of showing up late for visitation, asking for exceptions, or demanding more time with the children. Although it may take more work and trouble in the beginning, setting clear boundaries from the beginning can save you a lot of hassle later on. 

Remain Calm 

Narcissists often act from a desire to trigger a reaction. If you remain non-reactive, their behavior may escalate as they try to upset you or frustrate your plans. Although it may be particularly difficult to do so, especially if the narcissist is a former spouse who knows you well, the effort to remain neutral will pay off in terms of your peace of mind and less provocation in the future. You may want to refrain from communicating in person or over the phone. Instead, rely on text or email so there is always a record of your communication. If they try to engage you in personal conversation, politely and cheerfully say, “I would be happy to discuss this over email. Thanks!” and walk away. 

Keep Your Kids Out of It

A narcissistic co-parent may try to use your children as a means to get to you. Anticipate this and be prepared for how you will respond. If you can show your children that you are immovably neutral and never speak ill of their other parent, you may protect them from being used as messengers or tools for manipulation. Do not allow your co-parent to send you messages via the children. With time, your children will discover for themselves what kind of person their other parent is. 

Call a Hinsdale, IL Co-Parenting Lawyer

Co-parenting is difficult even under the best circumstances, but a spouse with a personality disorder can make parenting together extremely challenging. If you anticipate having to create a parenting arrangement with a combative or manipulative spouse, get help from the experienced DuPage County parenting plan attorneys with Law Office of Martoccio & Martoccio. Your situation may not be easy, but you do not have to manage it alone. Call us today at 630-920-8855 to schedule a free, confidential consultation. 

Source: 

https://www.ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/ilcs4.asp?DocName=075000050HPt%2E+VI&ActID=2086&ChapterID=59&SeqStart=8675000&SeqEnd=12200000 

https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/co-parenting-with-a-narcissist