Divorce is very tough on children — a fact that has been well documented over many decades. Divorce has been associated with academic difficulties, disruptive and illegal behavior, low self-esteem, depression, and emotional distress. When children of divorce enter adulthood, they are more likely to live in poverty, have children out of wedlock, marry at a young age, and get divorce themselves than their peers from non-divorced families.

Because a parent’s strongest instinct is to protect their children from all of this, some spouses decide to either make the marriage work for the sake of the children, or they agree to get divorced, but only after the youngest child is on his or her way to college and out of the house. While both of these options seem like the right thing to do for your children because the family is kept in-tact, the truth is that both of these approaches may be more harmful than a simple divorce and shared custody.

How Delaying the Divorce Can Harm Your Children

Children are much more in-tuned with their parent’s emotions and thoughts than we give them credit for. Even very young children, or teenagers who are seemingly off in their own worlds, pick up on subtle insults and tension between their parents. The fact that you want to get divorced means that you are unhappy with the marriage, and that unhappiness will only intensify in the years to come as you wait for your youngest child to graduate high school. Parents may think they are helping their children by soldiering on during the marriage, but they are only doing themselves and their children a disservice. After all, one cannot fake happiness no matter how much effort is put into the facade.

Children, especially, can have a difficult time with divorce. Divorce brings much uncertainty into the lives of everyone in the family, and children, who thrive off of stability, can be affected much more strongly than others. There are things you can do to help alleviate some of the stress your children have because of the divorce. Here are five ways you can help your children cope with this big change in their lives:

1. Explain the Divorce to Your Children in Terms They Can Understand

Children’s understanding of divorce will vary based on their age and maturity level. Younger children will need to be explained to in simple, yet truthful terms about the divorce. The conversation can be as simple as telling your children that mommy and daddy no longer want to fight all the time, so they will be living in different houses. Older children will usually require a more explanatory response, but you should be careful to reveal too much information as your children do not need to hear about your marital problems.

2. Encourage Conversation about Their Feelings

You should tell your children that it is normal for them to feel sad or angry about the divorce. You will have your own feelings about the divorce, and it is important for your children to be able to have theirs. Allowing your children to talk about their feelings will allow them to progress through the grieving process.

After a divorce, it is common for an individual to go back to their maiden name or take the last name of the person they are remarrying. In Illinois, anyone who has undergone a divorce has the freedom to change their name whenever they would like.

When it comes to changing the last names of children, however, the law is a tad more complex. Following a divorce, a judge will take a child’s best interests into consideration when deciding whether to approve a last name change. Under Illinois law, a judge is required to ask the following questions when a parent would like to change their child’s last name:

• Does the child’s other parent approve of the last name change?
• Is the child okay with changing their last name?
• What type of relationship does the child have with their other parent and family members? For example, does the child have a poor relationship with the father whose last name they currently have?

Why Change a Child’s Name

It is never easy realizing that your marriage is heading toward divorce but for those couples with children the decision is even harder to reach but is it best to stay together for the sake of the children? Even as the national divorce rate has notably decreased over the past 10 years, how we manage divorce and the children involved is still a statistical presence.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a parenting coach for Child-Centered Divorce, an online parenting support network, expressed her views on the effect of trying to stay together for the sake of the children.

Unhealthy Relationships

When divorce involves children, the aura of the situation illuminates an entirely different hue. Beyond the dissolution of marriage is the parental responsibility of both parents preparing for their children’s health, economic, and overall wellbeing. These concerns are often addressed under each state’s family law guidelines and statutes. For the pre-divorce couple residing in Illinois, the Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act (750 ILCS) provides structural guidelines and statutes regarding child support and visitation under Part VI, Allocation of Parental Responsibilities.

As the United States remains on the top 10 list of countries with the highest divorce rates, one may think that divorce has become standardized to a one size fits all, but that could not be further from the truth, especially when children are involved.

Historically, one of the immediate concerns expressed by the custodial parent is how Illinois handles visitation in the situation where the other parent is incapable of providing a safe environment during child visitation? This concern is often raised when the non-custodial parent may have an alcohol or substance abuse history, exhibit anger management issues, or basically has little or no interest in fostering a parental relationship with the child.