Therapists are often a big part of the divorce process, particularly in child custody hearings. The couple seeking a divorce often have to attend therapy sessions if there are children involved, in the hope that the two may reconcile and prevent the children from going through the stressful divorce process. The children involved also often attend their own therapy sessions to help them deal with the fact that their parents are breaking up and to preserve their mental health throughout the process. Although therapists are very helpful in the divorce process, there are two tips to remember when using them during your divorce.

Therapists Should Not Testify in Court

If your case goes to trial, your attorney will call many people to testify on your behalf. However, your attorney will also likely understand that therapists should not be called as a witness. Many therapists do not want to testify in court due to the confidential nature of the relationships they develop with their patients. If they are subpoenaed though, they may have to disclose the information they learned from their patient. The only exception to this is the guardian ad litem (GAL) that will work as your child’s representative. Under Illinois law, these individuals are not allowed to testify about anything the child has told them.

Additionally, a judge will likely not give much weight to a therapist’s testimony. The relationship between a therapist and their patients is often very personal and the two usually form a close bond. Judges know this and so, if one testifies on your behalf, the judge will understand that the therapist likely has a bias that will affect their testimony.

Divorce is very tough on children — a fact that has been well documented over many decades. Divorce has been associated with academic difficulties, disruptive and illegal behavior, low self-esteem, depression, and emotional distress. When children of divorce enter adulthood, they are more likely to live in poverty, have children out of wedlock, marry at a young age, and get divorce themselves than their peers from non-divorced families.

Because a parent’s strongest instinct is to protect their children from all of this, some spouses decide to either make the marriage work for the sake of the children, or they agree to get divorced, but only after the youngest child is on his or her way to college and out of the house. While both of these options seem like the right thing to do for your children because the family is kept in-tact, the truth is that both of these approaches may be more harmful than a simple divorce and shared custody.

How Delaying the Divorce Can Harm Your Children

Children are much more in-tuned with their parent’s emotions and thoughts than we give them credit for. Even very young children, or teenagers who are seemingly off in their own worlds, pick up on subtle insults and tension between their parents. The fact that you want to get divorced means that you are unhappy with the marriage, and that unhappiness will only intensify in the years to come as you wait for your youngest child to graduate high school. Parents may think they are helping their children by soldiering on during the marriage, but they are only doing themselves and their children a disservice. After all, one cannot fake happiness no matter how much effort is put into the facade.

Divorce is hard on adults. Just think how difficult it is for children, who rarely understand why their parents are separating, do not have any say in where they live or what their new lives will entail, and whose entire life schedules and normal routines are disrupted every few days or weeks when they go to stay with their other parent. As a mother or father, you can make this difficult process easier on them. The months that divorce takes will be a challenge, but you have the ability to minimize the stress and anxiety that your children experience during this time.

Refrain from Bad Mouthing the Other Parent in Front of Your Children

Children are more likely to identify with the parent that is the same gender as they are. Sons will identify with fathers, and daughters will identify with mothers. As such, if a father says to his daughter, “I hope you don’t end up being like your mother,” or makes some other crude or disrespectful comment in front of his daughter, his daughter may internalize that and her emotional development will be delayed or impaired. Even saying something negative about a son’s mother, who is a different gender than him, has a negative effect on the child. It may be tempting to bad mouth or grumble about the other parent, but this can have serious consequences on your child’s emotional and psychological state of mind.

Keeping Conflict Away from Your Children, Communication, and Maintaining a Relationship with Both Parents

Even discluding court appearances and mediation, divorce is filled with conflict between the two spouses. Children pick up on the most subtle derogatory comments just as easily as a shouting argument. Exposure to any type of conflict increases the child’s risk of developing psychological and social problems, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). Parents should consider doing the following:

As remarriage after divorce has become increasingly common, more blended families or stepfamilies have emerged. According to the United States Census Bureau, over half of all American families were divorced and remarried or recoupled in 2010, which was the last major census year. Nearly 4 million children were living in a blended family or stepfamily in 2010.

All families face their own challenges, but stepfamilies have a unique set of challenges that can be hard to overcome. Here are a few tips you can follow in order to make your experience in a blended family a good one:

1. Make Sure You Plan Accordingly

Stepfamilies do not form overnight. Ending one marriage and entering another can take months, if not years. You have plenty of time to think through logistics. Before you get remarried, you should make sure that your parenting plan from your previous marriage is sound and acknowledges that you are getting remarried. You should also make sure that if you are marrying a spouse who also has children from a previous marriage that he or she has planned as well.

When a married couple decides to get divorced, their largest concern is usually related to their children. They likely worry about how the end of their marriage will impact their children and hope that their children can adapt to a new lifestyle with minimal issues.

In addition, divorcing parents wonder how to break the news of their divorce to their children. If you are getting divorced and are unsure of how to tell your children, these tips are sure to help.

Tell Children Together